What the Turkey Is Getting Pardoned For

Indecent exposure of that weird red head-and-neck thing.

Fraudulently claiming that it is the turkey depicted on Wild Turkey bottles.

Obscene pecking.

Putting a feather into a pumpkin pie and serving it to unsuspecting pie enthusiasts who do not like eating feathers.

Stealing a car and trying to drive it but losing control because it’s hard to drive with wings and crashing into a large cornucopia, causing many weird fruits and squashes to fall out.

Threatening violence against those who do not know the correct names for the different parts of its weird head-and-neck thing.

Having its weird head-and neck-thing include parts called “caruncle,” “snood,” “wattle,” “major caruncle,” and “beard.”

Filling up my neighbor’s pool with stuffing.

Filling up my neighbor with stuffing.

Fraudulently claiming that it came up with the Wild Turkey slogan “Give ’em the bird.”

Dealing tryptophan.

Falsely imprisoning chickens for being smaller than it.

Falsely imprisoning toddlers for being smaller than it.

Falsely imprisoning ostriches for being bigger than it.

Taking growth hormones and unfairly winning a turkey bodybuilding contest.

Running a multilevel-marketing scheme selling products to beautify spurs.

Going into the straw, like in the song, and then using the straw to commit arson.

Cyberbullying mashed potatoes for not being sentient.

Gobbling under the influence.

Conspiracy to make all eyes in the world beady.

Giving U.S. government secrets to the government of Turkey.

Selling Butterballistic missiles to enemies of the state.

Turduckenfucken. ♦